The last few days have seen an escalation of tensions in Ukraine. Journalists and commentators have rushed to make sense of the volatile political situation. Why is Russia behaving so aggressively? Why is Putin risking so much? Events have unfolded so terrifyingly quickly, we’ve hardly had time to stop and ask how things have been able to reach this stage.
But, at last, we can all breathe a sigh of relief. Treasury Minister and close aide to George Osborne, Sajid Javid has pinned down the root cause of the geopolitical crisis: Ed Miliband. Of course.
On Saturday he tweeted:
I once was blind but now I see. Ed Miliband’s attempts to stop the UK from intervening in Syria effectively gave Vladimir Putin a big thumbs up to invade continental Europe. Well, I’m glad you cleared that one up – thanks Sajid.
But this has got me thinking … What other seemingly unrelated problems actually implicate the Labour leader? Here are a few possibilities …
Although he is not in power, Ed Miliband has significant opportunities to boost employment, but fails to take them. He could employ a family photographer. Or a footman. And yet he doesn’t.
Damage from the floods
The Labour leader isn’t famous for investing in sandbag companies. Few people are, but he’s certainly not one of them. There’s a direct link between Ed Miliband’s reluctance to take ownership of a sandbag company and damage caused by the recent flooding.
Frustrating self-service checkouts
Red Ed could have pursued a career in engineering, rather than politics. Had he done so, he may well have have dramatically improved the functionality of self-service checkout machines. Guess what? He didn’t. Every time you hear, ‘Please place the item in the bagging area’, you should think of this man. Grinning.
Is Ed Miliband the devil? Maybe he is. Maybe he isn’t. But by refusing to become an exorcist, he is at least facilitating the devil. Creating a direct link between himself and the Prince of Darkness …
In any case, he is almost certainly to blame for just about everything. Is a man responsible for all the world’s ills fit to lead the country? If Vladimir Putin has his way, we will surely find out.