Originally written for publication in The Boar, Warwick University’s student newspaper.
You know what really makes me sick? Sluttiness. Whoreish behaviour. Nothing makes my blood boil more than a young, single woman going out and using her sexual prowess to get what she wants. Thank God that we men have conspired to roundly persecute these so called women who are an affront to the all important values of chastity and purity our generation continues to value so highly in women – after piety, cleanliness and the necessary knowledge of embroidery and baking.
But trouble is afoot! Man-hating loony lefty feminists threaten to challenge our ultimately satisfactory status-quo. They complain of double standards, jealously and misogyny. The nerve! Luckily we menfolk can dismiss these criticisms out of hand (they are put to us chiefly by women after all), but should some scantily clad slut have the nerve to challenge your sexual promiscuity in light of hers, I’ve developed a few strategies you can employ for dealing with her ignorance.
The first is metaphor. Poetically remark that, “A good key opens many locks, but a good lock is opened by few keys”. Ergo, you should be congratulated for gratuitously sleeping around and she should be punished. (As if that wasn’t obvious enough!)
I find this metaphor particularly appealing because it conjures images of a woman literally locking away her sexual organs, which I wouldn’t necessarily discourage (except for when I want to make use of them, of course). It is also so hard to argue with, as it’s pretty much biologically sound!
If the hussy continues to dig deeper, suggest that when a man sleeps with with a woman it’s humorous, kudos-worthy, simply part of being a ‘lad’. You should then assert that when a woman sleeps with a man it’s ‘pathetic’ or ‘desperate’.
She might ask you why you don’t think women have the same rights to sleep around as men – simply answer “It’s not the same, dear”. The “It’s not the same” rebuttal, negates all her arguments in one fell swoop, regardless of how seemingly well-constructed and logical they may be.
If all else fails, then simply resort to calling the woman names. Don’t forget to combine your racial and class prejudices for maximum impact! Remember that ultimately you will be doing her a favour and who knows – perhaps you’ll shatter her self-esteem to such a degree, she might even sleep with you. Get in!
Next week, I’ll be talking about how single mothers have joined forces with asylum seekers to systematically break down our once great society. Till then readers!