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Brexit

Brexit Minister spends 15 months negotiating glass of water

September 18, 2017
David Davis

A visibly thirsty Davis

The UK’s top Brexit Minister David Davis has spent the last 15 months negotiating a glass of water, it can be revealed today.

Initially offered a coffee, Davis took exception to EU negotiator Michel Barnier’s welcome at an introductory meeting. The Secretary of State was then offered a wide range of waters but refused to be rushed into making a decision.

Over a year on from the UK’s decision the leave the EU, little headway has been made but the Minister has defended his approach.

“There has been a lot of discussion over the type of water we we want. Hard water or soft water? Still or sparkling? There are so many choices. I don’t plan to actually drink the water until March 2019.”

Davis also claimed that he would refuse any glass of water that did not stem the flow of water into the UK.

The Secretary of State has been criticised by political opponents for failing to make sufficient progress. The Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn called for the government to secure “a fair glass of water” as soon as possible.

Downing Street has defended the negotiations. In a speech in Buxton later today the Prime Minister is expected to say “No glass of water is better than a bad glass of water.”

Pressed by journalists, Davis refused to be drawn on his negotiating strategy and instead decided to badmouth the EU.

“The EU has made negotiating this glass of water all but impossible” said the visibly thirsty Minister.

Asked when he would be starting the Brexit negotiations, Davis looked confused before promising more money for the NHS.

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Posted in: Comedy Tagged: Brexit, david davis, negotiations

How to make peace with Brexit

August 28, 2017

It’s time to make peace with Brexit …

It’s been just 13 months since the British people voted to leave the European Union. Since then my utterly awful Metropolitan Elite (™) friends have been on a warpath. A loose coalition of Champagne Socialists, Lidl Prosecco Liberals and Craft Beer Corbynistas have conspired to inform and reiterate to me just how wrong the British electorate were and how angry they are. (I am of course, for the purposes of this blogpost, above the fray and have never slighted anyone in my life.)

Brexit negotiations have started and nobody thinks they’re going well. We’ve opened Schrodingers’ box and found a cat that is not quite dead but has a grim case of scabies and quite justifiably hates us for putting it through this ordeal. The Tories want to keep this cat, even if it bites us or ruins the economy. Labour want to nurse it in a way that appeals to their feline-friendly working class voters and their more murderous metropolitan supporters. The RSPCA are nowhere to be seen, presumably because they have more important things to do than deal with laborious metaphors.

Since the referendum, I have had about three conversations a week about how badly Brexit is going. I’ve had 152 conversations that have all been the same. It’s like Groundhog Day, if Groundhog Day had been a film about a man discussing the intricacies of EU regulations and the technicalities of the customs union. It’s like Groundhog Day if Groundhog Day had been shit.

I’ve become so Bored of Brexit (incidentally the title of my upcoming book which details my disinterest over 452 pages) that I’ve devised a way to help all my friends get over it. So take heed Botanical Gin Bolsheviks! Here’s what you need to do …

Get excited for the London property market crash!

Sure, this housing crisis could be solved relatively easily with rent controls and investment in social housing but that’d make us all card-carrying Communists and we’d suddenly find ourselves living in an authoritarian dystopia. Brexit may be our only hope. When the economy inevitably crumbles, providing you still have a job, it could well be your time to get on the ladder! (But do be careful as it’ll probably be a ladder made in Britain.)

Take solace from the fact the hard Brexiteers are just as mad as you

Women still get maternity leave. Hanging continues to be illegal. Shillings have not been reintroduced. There’s no doubt the hard Brexiteers are upset. The mewling headlines of the Sun, the Mail and the Express (who have complained of ‘traitors’ and a ‘foreign elite’ seeking to ‘subvert’ Brexit) read like deranged a Twitter feed jointly run by Nigel Farage and Joseph Goebbels. We should of course, denounce the bigoted screed these second-rate publications spew but it’s also good to know we’re not alone – they’re just as unhappy as we are.

Talk to a ‘Lexiteer’

These are people on the political left who will tell you that Britain leaving the EU, a buttress against a brutal Conservative ideology of austerity and social darwinism, was definitely a good thing for workers’ rights and minorities in Britain. Talking to any of them for five minutes will ensure you never want to talk about Brexit again.

Flee

Take a trip to continental Europe or go backpacking anywhere in the world. Rest assured that nobody will bring up Brexit. You’d never mention Donald Trump to a clearly liberal American would you? No. And by the same logic, nobody will mention Brexit to you. A foolproof plan.

Rigorously following this advice will help us all move forward as we enter another 13 months of Brexit bargaining. And although by enacting the above you won’t actually achieve anything tangible, that will put you pretty much on a par with David Davis and Boris Johnson.

We’re all in this together guys!

–

Get more of my Remoaner nonsense on Twitter: @JamesEvans42.

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Posted in: Comedy, Politics, Satire, Social Commentary Tagged: Brexit, Brexit for liberals, Brexit rules, make peace with Brexit

Why I’ll be voting for Bremainia™

June 22, 2016

eu flag

The EU referendum campaign is coming to a close. Polling day is nearly upon us. People absolutely sick of this whole thing. So for what it’s worth, here are my two (euro) cents …

I’ll be voting for Bremainia™ tomorrow because:

– I like being able to travel, work and stay anywhere in the EU with minimal hullabaloo.

– As someone increasingly engaged with finding my own work, a recession would be a real ballache.

– Voting ‘in’ seems like a vote in the direction of tolerance and diversity and I’m all for that sort of thing.

– The EU often tries to protect the environment. Although I do live in a pretty well sealed left-wing bubble, I still have to occasionally breathe the same air as the rest of the continent.

– An ‘in’ vote might end the political careers of Nigel Farage and Michael Gove.

The EU is far from faultless – see Greece and the thankfully compromised TTIP agreement – but leaving could be calamitous.

High on Brexit Bars, the Tories could start stripping away the red tape (read: workers’ rights) with frightful glee …

And following this dismal referendum, the last thing I want is to be subjected to is Boris Johnson stripping.

So vote Remain.

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Posted in: Comedy, Politics Tagged: Bremain, Bremainia, Brexit, EU, European Union, politics, refrendum
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