It’s not looking good for the human race …

Originally written for publication in The Boar, Warwick University’s student newspaper.—

Be honest. You didn’t think things would ever get this bad. Not even at Warwick. But you should have expected it. You really should have. What did you expect? For God’s sake, you really should have seen this coming. Well, whether or not you saw it coming, it’s here now and what’s more, you’re reading it. That’s right, an unbearably, unbelievably pretentious and entirely unsubstantiated article, in the Boar, on what Black Mirror ‘really means’ for the future of humanity. Jesus Christ.

This December, award-winning Guardian journalist Charlie Brooker produced Black Mirror. If you haven’t yet seen Black Mirror (it’s on 4OD), just stop reading. Honestly, you should never have started reading. This isn’t a synopsis or a review. It’s a commentary. Or rather, a badly thought through series of observations. If you haven’t watched Black Mirror, reading this will be about as fun as one of those parties where everyone except you went to the same school. Remember the funny way Mrs. Smith used to walk? No? Then get out. Anyway, if you’re not yet mind-numbingly bored of my desperate and pathetic attempts to imitate Mr. Brooker’s own aforementioned award-winning journalistic style, we can finally begin.

Black Mirror’s first episode asked us to look at social networking in a new way. It didn’t focus upon toppling Gadaffi or bemoaning the existence of Clarkson; it was forcing the PM to get it on with a pig. It was powerful and, in a weird way, entirely believable. However, it seemed only to confirm the thoughts I already had about the ‘mob rule’ mentality prevalent on the world wide web.

What really shocked me, was an exchange in ‘An Entire History of You’ (brilliantly penned by Jesse Armstrong of Peep Show and Fresh Meat fame) in which one of the diners was ostracised for ‘going grain-less’. For cutting herself off from a particularly popular modern technology, she was considered to be something of an outcast. Why did this shock me? Because I’d seen it before, but never given it a second thought. Not on TV, but amongst friends and peers. You don’t have Facebook? Why? Why don’t you have it? What’s wrong with you? Why won’t you put your whole life on display for the rest of us? Get tagged or get out. Sound familiar?

In ‘Fifteen Million Merits’ we were asked to consider, amongst other things, the ever intrusive nature of advertising and its increasingly important role in our society. Somewhat ironically, many of us were asked to consider said socio-economic phenomena as 4OD took it upon themselves to play us the same three ads, four times over. The protagonist had the option to pay to skip such mind-numbing marketing. We didn’t have this option. That said a lot. Or maybe it didn’t. Make your own minds up then GoCompare.

Perhaps the most important thing Black Mirror can tell us about our future of a species (and I warned you this would be pretentious) is that despite its dismal prophecies, its own existence suggests there is still hope. Amongst all the other crap on TV and in popular culture, Black Mirror was not only commissioned, but was indeed well received. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Maybe we’re not actually as culturally deprived, dependent on technology or as desperate for celebrity as Black Mirror suggests. On that note, please share this article on your Facebook wall, maybe with a picture of Charlie Brooker and Konnie Huq. Fingers crossed, I’ll be presenting the Guardian’s student media awards in no time. Simples!

Confessions of a grinch

Unless you’ve been living at the North Pole for the past month, you may have noted the passing of a supposedly joyous period of festivities. Long ago, I awaited the arrival of Christmas with unrivalled anticipation. These days, I feel only disappointment and stomach cramps (the latter admittedly due to overeating). As a nation collectively loses its mind, I suspect I am not alone in secretly harbouring an admiration for one Ebeneezer Scrooge.

The first group of individuals that seems to succumb to Xmas-itis and kick off the miserable affair are radio DJs. An informal consensus seems to exist that from December the first, through to Christmas day itself, a ‘fun and festive’ Xmas playlist must be endlessly looped on every station. This consists of about 10 songs, most of which were released over 20 years ago by artists that have since retired or given up in order to single-handedly end world poverty.

Then there are the Christmas shoppers. Hordes of them. Religiously purchasing the same tired combinations of chocolates, cards and cardigans. We find ourselves forcing our way through the dead-eyed masses, preparing to do battle for the last Boots bath-spa kit as if it were a potion for eternal life. As sacrifices of student loans and pay-checks are laid down at the altars of St. Waterstones and St. Thorntons, it’s not surprising the whole occasion feels about as genuine as a Nick Clegg promise. When the day itself rolls round, we are jaded and tired. Our parents have the audacity to wake us before 11am so the whole family can swap disappointing, unwanted gifts and pretend to be pleased.

The rest of the day is a similarly predictable and macabre affair. Around midday, various elderly relatives begin beguile us with the same Christmas anecdotes they have been using for the past 15 years and subsequently make their opinions on Britain’s immigration policy known. We then convene round a crowded table to stuff ourselves on a grotesque scale whilst pretending we are surprised at how God-awful the jokes and gifts are in crackers that we have sourced this year. During all this we begin to feel resentment towards a younger, more enthusiastic generation. One that has yet to experience let-down Christmas TV specials or gruelling Boxing Day hangovers. A few years ago, that was us. Bouncing off the walls at 6am on Christmas morning, energetic and excited. They can’t get enough of it all. The disenfranchised amongst us are left to wonder; do they know it’s Christmastime at all?

How dare women be reasonable?

You know what really makes me sick? Sluttiness. Whoreish behaviour. Nothing makes my blood boil more than a young, single woman going out and using her sexual prowess to get what she wants. Thank God that we men have conspired to roundly persecute these so called women who are an affront to the all important values of chastity and purity our generation continues to value so highly in women – after piety, cleanliness and the necessary knowledge of embroidery and baking.

But trouble is afoot! Man-hating loony lefty feminists threaten to challenge our ultimately satisfactory status-quo. They complain of double standards, jealously and misogyny. The nerve! Luckily we menfolk can dismiss these criticisms out of hand (they are put to us chiefly by women after all), but should some scantily clad slut have the nerve to challenge your sexual promiscuity in light of hers, I’ve developed a few strategies you can employ for dealing with her ignorance.

The first is metaphor. Poetically remark that, “A good key opens many locks, but a good lock is opened by few keys”. Ergo, you should be congratulated for gratuitously sleeping around and she should be punished. (As if that wasn’t obvious enough!)

I find this metaphor particularly appealing because it conjures images of a woman literally locking away her sexual organs, which I wouldn’t necessarily discourage (except for when I want to make use of them, of course). It is also so hard to argue with, as it’s pretty much biologically sound!

If the hussy continues to dig deeper, suggest that when a man sleeps with with a woman it’s humorous, kudos-worthy, simply part of being a ‘lad’. You should then assert that when a woman sleeps with a man it’s ‘pathetic’ or ‘desperate’.

She might ask you why you don’t think women have the same rights to sleep around as men – simply answer “It’s not the same, dear”. The “It’s not the same” rebuttal, negates all her arguments in one fell swoop, regardless of how seemingly well-constructed and logical they may be.

If all else fails, then simply resort to calling the woman names. Don’t forget to combine your racial and class prejudices for maximum impact! Remember that ultimately you will be doing her a favour and who knows – perhaps you’ll shatter her self-esteem to such a degree, she might even sleep with you. Get in!

Next week, I’ll be talking about how single mothers have joined forces with asylum seekers to systematically break down our once great society. Till then readers!

Hello Warwick! – Interview with Stephen Merchant

Stephen Merchant. Image: Hello Ladies Tour.

Originally written for publication in The Boar, Warwick University’s student newspaper.

—

Emmy, BAFTA and Golden Globe award-winning co-creator of BBC’s The Office and Extras, Stephen Merchant is one of the biggest names in British television. He talks to the Boar about life, the media amd being successful.

James Evans: You graduated from Warwick with a first class degree in Film and Literature and a string of radio shows under your belt, but what were you like as a student at Warwick? How do you think your experiences at university shaped you as a person and an entertainer?

Stephen Merchant: There are loads of things I did at Warwick that helped me later. I wrote for the Boar. I made some short films. I hosted a weekly show on the campus radio station, which indirectly led to me getting a job a few years later on a London radio station, which is where I met Ricky Gervais. Perhaps most importantly I helped take a comedy sketch show to the Edinburgh Festival. It was my first taste of writing and performing comedy in front of (admittedly very tiny) audiences. I would say to any student: you will never have as much free time and opportunity as when you’re at uni so get off your arse and do something.

James: You’ve won awards for your TV and Radio work, dabbled in films and are finally returning to stand-up. How do the different formats compare and which, if any, do you prefer?

Merchant: TV and films are the most fulfilling but they are very time-consuming. It’s a year or more of writing, planning, shooting, editing, then talking about what you’ve just made in endless interviews. It takes over your life. Stand-up is exciting because it’s just you involved and it’s very raw and direct. There is nowhere to hide, which is why I went back to it. I used to do stand-up after I left uni but I gave up once the TV stuff took off. I started doing it again because I wanted to step out of my comfort zone and challenge myself. It seems to have gone well so far.

James: When writing Extras, Cemetery Junction and more recently, Life’s Too Short, how did you and Ricky Gervais deal with the colossal expectations and hype? Is starting a new project a daunting experience or one you relish?

Merchant: We don’t think about expectations or hype. Pulitzer-prize winner Herbert Bayard Swope once said, “I cannot give you the formula for success but I can give you the formula for failure, which is: Try to please everybody.” That’s probably the most useful thing you can know about working in the entertainment business. If you try and please a huge unknowable audience you may get lucky and strike gold but it’s pretty unlikely. We start by writing something that pleases us and hope that other people like it as well. That’s the approach we took with The Office and that worked out okay.

James: Much of your work has satirised the media. What do you find most frustrating about this beloved institution?

Merchant: The media is a very broad term but I presume you mean TV, movies, newspapers. A free press is essential but I was pleased to see News International finally punished for years of rotten, mean-spirited sensationalist cod-journalism. Hopefully it will improve journalistic standards across the board. I also think celebrity dominates our culture in a way that class used to in the past: years ago people wished they were middle class or upper class; nowadays people want to be famous, often at any cost. I think that’s something worth examining and laughing at.

James: In the promotional material for your Hello Ladies… stand-up tour, you make it no secret you are on the prowl (specifically, for a wife). Any particular qualities you are looking for in a woman?

Merchant: Originally I joked that the show was going to be me literally trying to find a wife on stage but then I started getting some crazy love letters in the post and I saw a few odd-balls sat in the audience – so now the show is just me talking about why I’ve failed to find a wife. My life has always revolved around my hunt for a mate and the show explores every aspect of that, from teenage hopelessness to the time I got thrown out of a wedding.

I also go into detail about what a woman can expect when we’re on a date. For instance: yes, I’ve made some money but I don’t see anything wrong with still going to Pizza Hut with a two-for-one voucher. What’s wrong with that? A lot of ladies think that’s stingy but they’re wrong. What they should be thinking is, ‘This is the man I should raise a family with because he’s sensible with his money’. Think about it, ladies. It’s Darwinian. You shouldn’t mate with the guy who splashes his cash at a Michelin-starred restaurant; you should mate with the man who cuts out discount vouchers from the paper.

James: It’s probably a bit of a cliché to ask this, but it’s got to be done. If you weren’t in comedy or radio what do you think you would you be doing?

Merchant: I quite fancy the idea of being an academic but one who has specialized in something completely pointless, like translating Katie Price’s autobiography into Latin or something.

James: Finally, what’s in the pipeline?

Merchant: Ricky and I have done a new BBC2 sitcom that starts November 10th called Life’s Too Short. It stars the dwarf actor Warwick Davis, who was in Return of the Jedi and Harry Potter, and he’s playing a fictionalised version of himself. In the show Warwick is hustling for work and contending with a divorce, a failing career, a giant tax bill and the fact that he is only 3‘6”. Warwick is exceptional in it: great at comedy and drama, tremendous at physical comedy as well. He throws himself about with such abandon. I think people will be amazed at how good he is. Also in the show he often bothers Ricky and I for work because he knows us and so, like in Extras, big stars pop up on occasion. Johnny Depp, Liam Neeson and Sting are all in the show.