Bisexuality: A very brief Q&A

bisexuality

Hey. I’m bi. That means I’m sexually attracted to men and women.

I’ve recently come out to a number of people and, in publishing this blogpost, will be coming out to approximately four more.

When I tell people about my sexuality, most people say ‘cool’ and the conversation moves on but a select few have a number of follow-up questions.

I’ve got a bit bored of answering the same queer-ies (lol) so I’ve prepared a very brief Q&A which might be helpful for those whose sexual politics are stuck in the 1920s.

Here we go:

Isn’t it a bit greedy?

Yes. Everyone knows there are a finite number of sexual partners out there. Me and my bisexual friends are hoarding them. Now, there’s no sex left for you. Unlucky.

Can’t you make your mind up?

Thanks for mentioning this. I’m actually really indecisive. At dinner parties, I’m regularly spotted seasoning my food with both salt AND pepper. I can hear people muttering ‘pervert’ but I carry on anyway. I am a monster.

I just don’t get it.

I know. That’s because I’m getting all of it and there’s none left for you. I’ve already explained this – please do keep up.

BONUS QUESTION: What do you actually ‘do’ with men?

You know the really disgusting thing? The one that makes everyone feel a bit sick? Every week, I meet up with a group of men and we do exactly that. It’s not been the same since it got cancelled but we’ve still got the old episodes. There’s nothing quite like watching Top Gear.

So that was it – a pretty comprehensive response to some of the key questions about this all-consuming and utterly destructive lifestyle.

Thanks for reading. Please feel free to share this with anyone you feel still needs to be enlightened. Bi for now (again, lol).

You can continue to ingest my sinful satire on Twitter: twitter.com/JamesEvans42

Why I’ve left Labour and joined the Greens

I’m officially declaring myself a supporter of the Green Party. I left Labour some time ago, disillusioned by Ed’s hesitancy to argue for the radical change this country needs.

The Green Party seem to be the only mainstream political party that are properly addressing the worldwide environmental crisis, the commodification of education and the pain caused by austerity measures that have been levied on the poorest.

The party now has more members than both UKIP and the Lib Dems. It could win several seats in the upcoming general election. If it does, I believe it would shift British politics towards social justice and away from the divisive reactionary discourse both the coalition and the opposition seem to have embraced.

I joined the party a few hours ago and would encourage like-minded people to do the same. Or, if you don’t know much about them check out their website.

Basements, booze and baring all – my first stand-up gig

Take one recent graduate undergoing a major identity crisis. Place in London. Stew with unreliable employment, expensive booze and a generous helping of debt. Strain the graduate. Serve with an unhealthy portion of cynicism.

Perfect with a pint of lager in a dingy basement – the preferred drink and setting of my very first gig.

For as long as I can remember (a year) I’ve wanted to give stand-up a try. As a student, I kept notes of amusing things that I’d observed and for a long time very little came of them. That was probably just as well. Looking back, some of them really were awful. ‘A sign that refers to another sign’, was hardly going to win a British Comedy Award – at least not without some sort of context.

A few months ago, I had a shit day. Naturally, I gorged on sitcoms and stand-up. My gloom readily and reliably faded. Then, somewhere between Comedy Vehicle and Peep Show, something clicked. I had to be part of this. It was time for me to book a slot at an open mic night.

I scoured the web, found a place that looked reasonably forgiving and fired off an e-mail. Within a couple of days I had a date. I was excited for about half an hour then promptly forgot all about it. The slot was over a month away and I had plenty of time.

Fast-forward five weeks and Google Calendar sprung into action. My phone loudly informed me that I had under a week before my first ever gig. I was less prepared and more nervous, than I had been for any exam, driving test or sexual experience.

Over the next few nights I went through the material I did have in order to cobble something semi-coherent together. Then I practised. Relentlessly. In the bathroom mirror, naturally. But also, under my breath on long evening walks, on the bus to work and into the ears of my sleeping flatmates. For the best part of a week, my five minute routine became my life.

The night itself was somewhat surreal. I went with two close friends, both of whom were (not so secretly) hoping I would bomb. My name was called and I stumbled to the front. I looked up at the audience and then it hit me. A massive dose of adrenaline went straight to my head. Suddenly, I was shaking.

I wasn’t expecting to be so phased as this wasn’t my first time in front of a crowd. In the past, I’d given plenty of speeches to large groups, but this was different. Here were thirty to forty people, waiting for me to prove to them that I was as funny as I thought I was. The words finally came and I’m told things went quite well. I managed to cover my various cock-ups and even engaged in a bit of impro. At one point, I offered to strip naked for a member of the audience. It was all a bit of a blur.

When my five minutes came to an end, everyone seemed reasonably happy with whatever it was I had done on stage. A number of the other performers congratulated me – something which was genuinely appreciated.

As the night wore on, plenty of people told me to ‘keep it up’ and ‘find another slot’. The obvious joke lingered and then the moment passed. I had blown my chance for a final laugh but also developed my sense of timing. It was clearly a joke best left for my first Jongleurs gig.

I’m sure that one day, a stag do will find a somewhat more bawdy account of my ‘first time’ utterly hilarious. In the mean time, this one will have to do.

James Evans – Future of the Left

The title of this post is ‘James Evans – Future of the Left’. Part of me really wants to leave it at that. But bereft of a crystal ball and a towering arrogance (… OK, maybe just the crystal ball), I don’t feel that’s a prediction I can confidently make.

Alas, that is not what this post is about. Instead, it’s simply a redirect to a collection of interviews I conducted over the last year, which have recently been republished.

I was lucky enough to interview various leading lights of the left for The Student Journals. I spoke to Polly Toynbee, Owen Jones, Sunny Hundal, Natalie Bennett, Helen Lewis, Paul Flynn MP and John McDonnell MP.

You can enjoy them all here. And I’m sure you will.

NB. I should like to take this opportunity to thank Siraj Datoo and Amy Ashenden from TSJ for helping me with this series of interviews. Without them, there would be no ‘Future of the Left’. And who’d want to live in a world like that?

David Cameron should attack binge drinking from a Wetherspoons

Earlier this week, David Cameron announced that his government’s cuts to public services would be permanent. In a rousing speech, the Prime Minister made the case for a smaller state. Cameron decided to call time on a government that spends taxpayers’ money so frivolously.

Where did he announce his vision for a “leaner, more efficient state”? At a white-tie state banquet of course! Funded by taxpayers. Surrounded by gold. Next to a throne.

It’s an approach that some have criticised. Snitty, sarcastic bloggers have complained that a man who tells the general public to make do with a thrifty NHS, whilst enjoying a lavish banquet at their expense is ‘beyond satire’.

But not this one. This one admires the fucking cheek of it.

Over the course of a single evening, David Cameron has taken the maxim, “do as I say, not as I do”, to dizzying new heights. By refusing to concern himself with entirely justified charges of hypocrisy and general twattery, he has given himself licence to do just about anything he pleases.

The Prime Minister could now give a speech on the evils of gambling from a Las Vegas casino or espouse the merits of public transport from a private helicopter. But what he really needs to do is take on binge drinking from a Wetherspoons.

When I say take on binge drinking, I don’t mean actually do anything to help those addled by alcoholism – because that would cost money. I am simply suggesting that the Prime Minister lecture those that he represents. From a pub.

Just imagine, a slightly shitfaced David Cameron looking into the camera, and exclaiming without the slightest sense of irony, “Britons need to drink less”, before nearly falling off his chair. The event would go down as a (literally) staggering triumph of hypocrisy.

The media would be out in force. In an interview with Sky News, the Prime Minister would extensively list the beers, wines and spirits he wanted to see the country drinking less of. With a microphone in one hand and a bottle of Lambrini in the other, the message would be crystal clear.

Some will no doubt balk at my suggestion. And perhaps they are right to. It is true that I am unlikely to become a Tory spin doctor any time soon. But Christmas is coming and throughout the festive period many Britons will consume their own bodyweight in booze. So what better time to launch this campaign for a “leaner” consumption of alcohol?

If the PM is quick, he may even make it in time for happy hour.